Is gay dating in Berlin really toxic?

A gay couple kissing | gay dating in Berlin is toxic

Question

Is gay dating in Berlin really toxic? As a LGBTQ+ member, I am having like three traumas stacked up to work on from dating some guys here.

Answers

  • Nope, it’s kind of a running gag in the queer community.
  • Not only for gays…
  • As one of my friends once said “The problem is not whether you like men or women, but rather that you like people”.
  • Why are you taking it upon yourself if the other guys suck (in the bad sense)? Also, don’t expect much of Berlin. Berlin was a world apart for many decades (and still is). A place where people came to escape their lives in the BRD, escape draft (back when it was mandatory), escape their families, religion, their former selves and indulge in everything they couldn’t before. This is valid for many big cities in the world, but Berlin had that extra factor of already being libertine and also the Kosuminsel exclave in the DDR. Focus on being the person you want to find. I know it sounds like cheap esoteric philosophy. But you’ll eventually find someone who values the same things as you.
  • Berlin dating pool in general has a pee in it. I just decided to not do online dating and focus time on myself and do what I like. And guess what.. met a nice guy recently maybe the law of attraction somehow. But really when I started taking care of myself more I felt like the universe started taking care of me too somehow.
  • It’s not just you, all my gay friends say they have the same problem, so does my straight female friends, and all I gained from dating men here apart from trauma is the appreciation that I’m bi (thank god).
    • So you’re saying that the ladies in Berlin are not toxic, only the gents?
    • I am sure there are toxic women too but the percentage of them seems to be way less. I feel like in general women are more open to go to therapy and work through their toxicity.
  • Sounds like every city I’ve been to dating guys.
  • Yea, dating is a challenge made even more stressful by the limited number of eligible LGBTQ in any one community. Some places have a slightly different context but I don’t think dating anywhere is particularly easy.
  • I  would say it’s quite common in every big city. Berlin doesn’t differ much.
  • All my gay friends are frustrated too. Berlin gays as far I understood from my gay friends just want sexual fun but no commitment. Still, I am a very optimistic woman so I always encouraging them that must be someone that is waiting for them.
  • Almost two years here and this place is heaven if you’re looking for fun etc which is great and we all fall into but in the long run dunno I’m kinda over it I guess? I do miss an old fashioned date tbh but yeah we just need to keep digging I guess and try to maintain our sanity and it will eventually happen. 
  • Related but trying to meet fellow gays on the friends level has also been problematic. Probably thanks to the pandemic, but my husband and I have really struggled to find a gay friend group to fall into, so I feel your pain.
  • There are some genuinely nice guys out there, Germans, Berliners and expats too. They just don’t hang out that much on the “Toxic” gay scene nor to be found on Grindr.
  • I understand why you feel that way. When I first started to come to Berlin (to visit back in the day) I was looking for something toxic, which is very accessible via social media. After some time I did actually meet my current partner of now more than 4 years. Not on Grindr or social media but just in public, while having a chat with a stranger. Social media kind of desensitizes us for actual human connection, even though I reckon more than 80% of people on there actually look for non-toxic connections. But if we look at the concepts of those catalogue like apps, they don’t want us to find a partner, they just want us to keep using the app! Long story short, good things happen, when you know how to be open to them.
  • Just a heads up, I think certain topics of this issue can’t be addressed without a safe space and as you can see from some of the comments above, this is not. Yes, the dating scene in Berlin is awful for everyone regardless of gender and sexuality but extremely toxic for gay people. I could write a book about all my bad dates, but the ones before Berlin can make people laugh, and here it’s just upsetting. I think what really pisses me off is that whenever I date someone that is not from the crazy sex scene, they ALWAYS make derogatory comments that are borderline racist so I honestly don’t believe in “there are nice gays, Germans, and expats that are not on Grindr here”.
  • I gave up. Have 4 cats now.

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